Thr33ve

First off, just want to apologize for this week’s posting being two days late. I’ve had a summer cold for the last little while and combined with the heat and the massive hangover I had Thursday morning, my body was less willing than my mind to co-operate and I shut down for a bit. Now that I’m more or less running back at full capacity again let’s ump back into er’.

 

I don’t feel a need to have cable or the advertisements that come with it, as the condo across the street is a living embodiment of liquor commercials. We got em’ all! There’s the apartment that replaces my need for Bailey’s/whiskey commercials. You know the one where the guy spills the drop and girl catches it in her cup and they all have a laugh? It’s like that over there every weekend, just a bunch of people sitting or standing in a circle drinking and laughing. I won’t be surprised if I see a faux fireplace in there when winter comes and they replace their eveningwear for sweaters and knitted hats. Then there is the Bacardi/vodka/coolers apartment, which seems to have black lighting installed and an endless supply of glow sticks. I know this because after they take about 800 photos and are done playing drinking games or having a fire on the balcony, they like to shut their lights outs, whip out the sticks and rave. I’m not making this shit up.  The building next to that has apartment that plays what I guess a Coors commercial by GLAAD would look like. These dudes spend most of the evening on the patio balcony of the apartment drinking brews till they get inebriated enough to start singing hits from the 80’s. I used to find it annoying but now I look forward to their off key renditions of Styx and Hall and Oats each week!

 

I have been trying to kick my unhealthy addiction to coffee recently. Since I just finished a cup, I can say the best longest I’ve been able to last is a full week. Considering I just found out about a convenience store nearby that sneaks in Cherry Coke from the states though, I have a feeling that I may have found a replacement vice for the time being. It’s probably a good thing that they stopped selling that stuff all those years ago, I used to be hooked on it like crack as a kid. Kind of like I am now with coffee… probably no pattern here.

 

I’m not usually very big on sports unless money is involved, but I really do hope Boston wins the cup this year. I don’t understand all these people who are rooting for Vancouver simply because they want to “bring the cup back to Canada”. The funny thing about this is that the Bruins have 32 Canadian players on their roster where as the Canucks have half that number at 16. Now, as far as I know, when a team wins Lord Stanley’s Cup each player on that winning team gets the cup for a day or so. With this is mind, wouldn’t there be a much higher chance of it being “brought back to Canada” if Boston wins the playoffs? Just saying.

 

Being the nerd/geek/loser/whathaveyou that I am, I find myself digging in to the comic book world on a regular basis. Currently DC is running this new event called “Flashpoint” in which they’re using a storyline in which Reverse Flash has re-wrote the history of the DC Comic universe. This is not only an opportunity for DC to bring back a bunch of failed characters and series’ in reboot form, but to basically start everything over from scratch. So Brightest Day, Infinite Crisis, Battle for the Cowl, and any other “monumental” runs that have happened pretty much don’t matter anymore because Barbara Gordon can walk bitches. I don’t read a lot of DC so I’m not sure how the fanboys are reacting to this but I’m sure they’re at least a little pissed off at this obvious cash grab. I’m on the fence though, because if it’s done properly, it can be like J.J. Abrams’ ‘Star Trek’. Like for example, if the Harry Potter series followed the same plot where Voldemort somehow sent someone back to stop the letters from ever reaching Harry and a whole new storyline is created when he accidentally discovers his magic through some accident that ends up killing someone and he goes rogue until he meets up with an escaped Sirius Black that teaches him the arts then. It could be cool, it could not and some people may or may not hate it. Guess we’ll see where things go, but since I have Marvel’s ‘Fear Itself’ run to follow it might be hard to keep up with the ‘Flashpoint’ mass issue storylines till the run is done.

Blog Deuce

Yes, I realize this is late but since only two people seem to read this I didn’t feel the need to rush in. Besides, I’ve never hit a deadline I’ve promised to yet and if I did then that just wouldn’t be me. So here ya go.

While walking around the city today, I had to ignore seven different canvassers for seven separate charities that I passed, all in the short span of a half hour. Although this is a larger number than usual, it’s not much different from the three to four I have to deal with pretty much every day it isn’t raining. It’s getting as bad as the homeless problem in this city and at least the homeless can understand when you say “no” or “I don’t have anything, sorry”. I’ve learned I can’t even say that to charity groups because then they start with the “Oh c’mon, everyone has something” or guilting you for ignoring them. I may be an asshole, but I still donate money to different causes several times a year on my own accord, not because someone in a blue vest stood in my way blocking my path on a sidewalk. I think the worst part of it all is that I know if I stopped and listened to their prepared shpeel and they started showing me pictures of little starving Jeffy in a 3rd World country or a beaten and ravaged bear in Russia, I would start asking where to sign and open my wallet. What can I say, I’m either a bleeding heart or a sucker, take your pick. If I had a vault of cash that I could climb a diving board and plunge into like Scrooge McDuck, I’d probably be giving money away left and right. Unfortunately I couldn’t even fill a kiddie pool with pennies and belly flop in without cracking a rib. So until I’m able to achieve a safe monetary swimming scenario, I wish that they would take their vest and kindly fuck off.

Went and saw Morgan Spurlock’s new documentary “POM Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold” a couple weeks ago. It was really eye opening to the world of product placement and advertising, giving an unbiased look into how jaded it can be. Really made me rethink how I look at product placement and its subliminal messaging tactics… I bought a POM juice an hour later. Also caught the premier of “Attack the Block” recently. An excellent little British film about kids fighting for survival against an alien invasion in the ghettos of South London. Although the accents are thick as hell, the movie does well to keep the adventurous style and feel of movies like “Gremlins” and “Goonies”. Combined with its surprisingly good score by Basement Jaxx and some impressively shot scenes, it makes for a fun watch that may garner it a cult audience here in North America. Once KRS-One started playing, I knew I was in good hands.

Since the move, I’ve some how managed to lump myself into sleeping pattern that doesn’t allow me to fall asleep till after 3AM. I also can’t sleep past 9AM for some reason either. I’ve gathered that the time frame in between those hours is when the neighborhood is at the most quiet, of course I base this solely on speculation as it is loud as shit around here pretty much 24/7. If you’ve ever seen “The Truman Show” and you remember the scene where he’s in his car in the driveway and realizes that the entire neighborhood acts in a loop? That’s kind of how I feel right now, except instead of a Volkswagen with a dented fender and man with flowers it’s “crazy person yelling obscenities” and “ambulance/police/fire truck siren”. Seriously, its gotten to a point where if I don’t hear someone yelling to themselves outside or people singing out of key, I think something terrible happened. It’s not all bad though, I’ve learned some interesting facts about ambulances in the whole process. For example: the worst the weather is out, the less sirens there are. Think it would be the opposite right, but after the up and down weather we’ve had this last month I can tell you that the percentage of an ambulance or police car going out around here is cut by like 75% when compared to if the weather is nice. At first I thought I was losing it, but then I watched a drunk and or drugged up derelict just kinda fall over in front of our building on nice sunny day. An ambulance was called and the medics came out all business, took one look at the guy then relaxed and basically poked him. They helped him up and the sonofabitch just sorta stumbled away, I couldn’t believe it. I could go on about the dredging addicts of Toronto at this point, but it seems pointless to “whip a dead emu” as they say so instead I’ll just make note that “emu” is apparently not in my spellcheck’s ,dictionary which I find to be just plain sad.

That’s it for this week, taker easy.

You Brother in Arms

-The B

Wow! I had a Blog?

My, oh my, how long it’s been… far too long I supposed. In the last three years I have been told several times that if one intends to write, they must do it at least once a day regardless of the content and format. I never really been one to take the advice of others too heavily(scars to prove it), but it seems about time that I give this a shot. So, here’s the deal: I intend to post something once a week that will be an edited collection of whatever I jot down in my little note pad. This way I can try to filter most of my bullshit and give something a little more cohesive. So for those of you who enjoyed the late night ramblings of olden days from my original blog, I apologize but they might be a little toned down. I’ve actually come to find out that those old posts have been erased from history now as MSN has wiped clean their old “spaces”. Can’t say this is much of a major loss to be honest, looking back on what I did have saved I came to find that some… “things” should be forgotten.

UPDATES!
This posting is going to be a casual slide into where things are at right now and then will become more entertaining in following posts, swearsy’s.

Rough draft of the final, more or less, poster. Some mis-cred's in there, but sexy none-the-less

My directorial debut short film “Equip Reality” premiered at the Bell Lightbox here in Toronto last month and went over pretty well I think. We had some small audio issues but that aside I believe he had a successful showing. It was interesting watching it on the big screen and thinking back to the last day of shooting and remembering how terrified I was that it wouldn’t turn out. I can’t thank my crew and friends enough for all their hard work and kind words, without them this project never would have been the slice of awesome it has become. Next step is festival runs so here’s to hoping we have some spots!

Another big deal that’s transpired is that I am no longer living in the loving embrace of the “Dudebox”, the unofficial fraternity house of my film program. It’s been a tough adjustment leaving an eight person occupied house in the Etobicoke burbs’ to a double occupancy high-rise apartment in downtown Toronto’s “East Village”. All I can is that there is certainly a lot of PRIDE in the community around here. The building itself is alright, although sometimes it has some damn powerful chemical smells in it. At first I assumed it was the paint they use on rooms as ours seems to have about an inch thick coating of paint on most surfaces(including stuff that probably shouldn’t), but then I almost blacked out in elevator yesterday because it smelled as though it had been soaked in nail polish remover. All them waving colors sure was pretty though.

I think this was a wall outlet, sometime back around 8 coats ago

Sorry, can't buzz you in, lost my damn chisel.

Job hunting has been a hit and miss process. I did manage to snag a sweet little – job moderating the message boards of a local TV network but I’m still looking for something with more hours. More details in the next posting if all goes well.

That’s pretty much it for now, I’ll post some pictures of the apartment and… yeah, hopefully next week’s posting is more on the entertaining scale and less “journally”. Oh, and also the beard is gone… here’s some pics of the apartment.

As always, taker easy,

Your Brother in Arms,
-The B

I hate curtains

"Grandpa's Liquor Cabinet", mostly empty now after the long weekend.

Things are created and consumed yar

And finally the bathroom...

Late Night Ramble

I don’t know what it is about the Christmas season that makes me want to give more back. It’s as though the consumerism is lost on me and I can still see the hidden message of the holiday… weird. I can remember a year or so ago, standing beneath the major banking and business offices in Toronto between 3:30-6pm watching people leave their jobs and rush to the subway. Hundreds of faces, not a smile among them. It was almost enough to want to go over and give the sad bastards a hug. Then I thought to myself, that maybe I could make a difference in another way so that they could at least have a little brightness to finish their day between the dreary office space and the long commute to their homes. I decided on making/buying tons of cookies, wearing a Santa hat, and heading down to that same spot closer to Christmas time. I would give them cookies and have sign that would say “IT ONLY GETS BETTER FROM HERE!”, or some other kind of up lifting message like that, and just maybe that would kill a couple grimaces and frowns. Then I quickly realized that no one would believe was doing it for anything other than just a simple gesture. I would be escorted out by security or possibly even arrested because maybe people would believe I would put something in the sweets to poison them. Or people would take me as an asshole, someone using all their free time to make people who don’t have it smile more because they work and I don’t. People misinterpret and get mad about weird things, even positive ideas. People are weird.

Again I wanted to try something like this year, but it seems like everything I come up with has to some way for people to see it as an angle or backhanded trickery. Thankfully though, I’ve found an ace that gets the job done. Something so innocent and nostalgic that it can be quite hard for most not to enjoy it. This, is my ace in the hole:

 

I purchased a t-shirt with this design almost immediately upon viewing it because it crosses over two things that are very dear to my heart and a large piece of my childhood. Like most kids, I was a massive Star Wars fan and still love the trilogy to this day. Bill Watterson’s “Calvin and Hobbes” taught more about philosophy of life more than anything else I’ve read in my life time, smirk at that if you must but I truly think the man is brilliant in his views of the media and the mind of youth. It didn’t take long for me to find out that others feel the same.

I was having a particularly bad day back in October, one that left wandering aimlessly around the city of Toronto. At some point I found myself wandering from the Korea Town area heading east down Bloor Street. After awhile, I noticed that quite a few people were smiling in my direction, which in turn made me smile. Eventually I realized that it wasn’t me they were smiling at, it was the shirt I was wearing depicting the Watterson-esque caricatures of Han and Chewie in their little Millennium Falcon. One fellow in particular made me believe in the ability of the design when I noticed him eyeballing me a few seats down while riding the subway. At one point he stood up and walked to the door as though he planned to get off at the next stop, but when the doors opened he moved to let people through then let them close as he turned back and looked at the shirt, smiled broadly, then went back and sat down.

It’s the little things in life that bring us pleasure and sometimes I think I over look that. I feel in the last while I’ve begun to remember the little things more, the simple things like: the way birch glows on an overcast day, the comfort of hearing the voice of an old friend, striking up a conversation with a stranger just to share a moment with them, and most of all the feeling you get from making someone happy. These are all things I wish wouldn’t slip so easily from my memory, sometimes I think if they hadn’t so many times I would be in a different situation but I guess if I never forgot them then I wouldn’t gain a new appreciation for them each time I remembered them.

That’s some late night ramble I guess.Down By The Seaside by Led Zeppelin

Gibberish and More Gibberish

Hello all! Boy, I sure have been keeping these regular haven’t I? Look people, I’m a busy man and when I have to already write on a regular basis through the hell that is the educational system, I find it more and more difficult to sit down and serve you up a nice bowl of my b.s. on a regular basis. So, as I sign of good faith, instead of waiting till I have something worth while to say, here’s a bunch of stuff thats going on and my observations on such.

 

First off, we’re going to take a trip back to the beginning of October and revisit the events of Nuit Blanche( or “White Night” for the non-bilingual peeps out there). Nuit Blanche is Toronto’s now annual all night art… thing. Basically the goal of the evening is to get as fucked up as possible on your experience enhancer of choice and wander aimlessly around the city looking at different art exhibits that range from paintings, to living art, to box castles, to 2o blindfolded wrestlers in a steel cage at a bus station (and no, I’m not making that up, it was a real piece).  Although I’m not much of an art person, I did enjoy myself quite a bit and saw some pretty interesting things. One piece though left me feeling conflicted though as I felt compelled to spend most of my evening there, let me explain.

Scattered around Liberty Village were numerous campfires set up with benches, sausages, and hot cocoa in tin cups. Being where I’m from, this was a nice bit of nostalgia and what seemed like a perfect chance to relive being back home… also add on the fact I was drinking rye most of the evening and you basically have an art piece that was my weekends. Grudgingly, we left the sweet smell of the North behind and continued our trek through artistic wonderland, and even though the exhibits were interesting, most were frankly just boring and puzzling as fuck. Most of the time was spent going “….kay, but why?” or “Well…that was cool, what’s next?”. It wasn’t until we had moved up to Queen Street that I finally found something that piqued my interest again and was able to hold my attention for more than 5 seconds.

In the parking lot of what looked like a rundown autoshop was band just jamming away, asking anyone who played to come join in. Apparently they all met that night and it was their first time together but you would never know by how well they played, and the audience that was gathering only proved it further. People were dancing, drinking, and at one point a performance artist with lit up hula-hoops came ain and started doing acts to their music: it was just a plain old good fucking time is what it was. Until… the bike cops.

Let me start by saying that, whoever decided that we needed cops on bikes wasn’t thinking much passed environmentally friendly aspects of the idea. If they arrest someone, they have to call for a car and a ‘real’ officer to come pick them up. The bikes don’t really offer any kind of advantages over foot pursuit in a chase and even if they are faster, hitting someone with it would only result in a larger accident. Hell, you could take one of them down with a stick. Also, it is very hard to take someone seriously when they’re canary yellow and wearing a goofy looking helmet who can’t even wear their gun because of the risks of your hip moving so much. Jesus.

Right so back to the story. Well just as things were going pretty damn well and two new guys had showed up with their instruments, three two-wheeled bears ride up and say they have to shut down. See, I don’t agree with this. They will allow the streets to be flooded with noisy drunken people till 5am, while vehicles drive around with loud speakers blasting music and parades folks walking along yelling behind them… a band can’t play at a reasonable level BEFORE 11 am? Fuck the permit shit, it was that guys garage. Also, it’s a night dedicated to fucking ART and last time I checked, that was a pretty damn important part of the art community. Maybe they should have spent more time telling the guy two doors down posing naked for sketchers to put some damn pants on so mommy doesn’t have to explain the penis to her 6 year old daughter. Ah, who am I kidding, with the way kids are today it would probably be the other way around, especially if someone had their kid out that late looking at that kind of stuff.

Speaking of shitty parenting, I’ve seen my share in the last few days. I felt my self reliving a scene from Kevin Smith’s “Mallrats” as I watched a 5 year old playing on an escalator at the mall. Now, when I say “playing”, what I really mean is that he was literally trying to climb over the railing halfway up with one leg swung up and over it. Seeing this, there was only one thing that I could do… walk past him because I was in a hurry dammit! Look, judge me if you like, but to quote Jason Lee: “Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don’t hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent – I don’t care which one – but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!”. To add on top of that, there was another kid around the age of 2 who was trying to put his hands in where the escalator comes out of the floor. Thankfully, some woman yelled at them till their mother came out of a store that was way to far away… with two more kids under her arms.

Seriously? Can you believe that shit? What was she thinking, that like, “Oh, well, I can lose those ones because hell I have two more!”, I mean come on. Watch your fucking kids man, keep them under control or don’t have them at all. In an odd twist, even people watching their kids have bothered me. I have seen people with kids in strollers that have to be close to 6… make them walk for the love of God! Who benefits from that exactly? Other than having the kid strapped in and unable to escape, I don’t know how this helps anyone. Kids become lazy, parents become over-tired, and strollers that take up unnecessary space. On that note, I think that there should be rules for bring stroller on to public transportation. Call me cynical, but just hear me out.

I was on a street car this weekend and not one, not two, but THREE strollers were brought on to the car. Now one is annoying enough but three is just ridiculous. There’s hardly any room on those things as it is but to bring on strollers that take up the space of two grown adults when you could just fold the fucking thing and carry your damn child on and hold them or stick them in a seat next to you is absurd! So I ask, please, stop this senselessness and either only allow one stroller on transit or start folding those damn things up. If your kid is over 2, fight childhood obesity and make them walk you crazy buggers ya!

Staying Regular

Well folks, it’s been a while since my last post and frankly I have to say that that’s a cosmic shame.  It’s been a busy month and I’d like to start this post with a quick recap of what’s going on in my little universe.

Editor’s Note: Those of you afflicted with a strong case of “I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!”, please feel free to scroll down to a more ‘appealing’ area of the page.

First off, I’m back in Toronto and all settled in at my new base of operations and temporary Brough-Cave for the time being. Film school has already begun its draining of my spirit and soul as I am currently burried in projects( although, one is pretty badass but I’ll save the details of that for a later day) and praying for death. This urge is only slightly accelerated by the fact that I just can’t seem to stay remotely in “good” health for more than a day since I arrived in this berg. Blame it on Captain Trips I guess.

That’s another thing, this damn H1N1, Swine Flu, SuperFlu, whatever you call it is, is ridiculous. I can’t go anywhere without someone coughing or sneezing and I feel like in the last month I’ve had every varriation of the common cold with a differing symptoms reigning supreme over each day. I feel like I can’t even break wind without contracting something( cue the gay STD joke!). I knew things were really bad when a program who makes it specificly clear that for every day we miss we lose 5% of our final mark and if we miss 6 days of class we can be ejected from the course, tells us to just stay home if we’re feeling unwell. You have to understand that this is the same course wanted me to produce a doctors note when I was late for scriptwriting because I knocked myself near unconsciouness and didn’t feel I was up to attending class. How did that happen you ask? Well, let me let you in on a perfect recipe for catastrophe:

1. Set your alarm clock as far away from your bed as possible the night before.

2. Have one of your legs go into an excruciatingly painful muscle spasm 1 hour before the alarm time.

3. Jump out of bed ON TO said spasmed leg in a hurry to shut off alarm once it goes off.

4. Have leg give out in pain, causing you to plummet head first into the corner of a mini fridge before the rest of your body collapses to the floor.

You really think a doctor would take time to write that shit out? So as you can see, it became fairly obvious that they needed to keep the spread of disease as low key as possible, even if it meant they’d have to go back on their own crazy rules. Hurray for Hipocrasy and Health teaming together for the greater good!

Now that I’ve exhausted my ‘me’ complex, or for the time being at least, let’s get back to the usual pop culture bullshit these blogs usually center around. To get the ball rolling, here are some quick reviews of films I’ve had time to get around to watching lately.

Inglorious Basterds 5/5 Maybe it was the spaghetti western style or Pitt’s sexy stache, either way it was beyond awesome

District 9  4/5 Amazing special effects, human combustion, and a full aresenal of weaponary that, even though comparable to Turok and Doom, ends up STILL being bested by the almighty .50 Cal

Extract 3/5   It was nice watching a smart comedy without the usual easy laughs of an Apatow film.

The Informant 4.5/5 A great character study that keeps you going “Are you fucking KIDDING ME?!” near the end.

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 3.5/5   It’s funny, it’s visually appealing, and I pray to God it will mean that Phil Lord and Christopher Miller will have made enough money to bring back Clone High.

The Haunted World of El Superbeasto 3/5  This movie is insane. Finally, a dirty cartoon feature for our generation. Taking a page from Ralph Bakshi, Rob Zombie here makes crisp toon adventure filled with sex and violence and possibly the greatest soundtrack I’ve heard in a while.

While we’re still on the topic of film, I want to bring up a serious topic that I’m sure everyone has been discussing lately.  As we all know, somebody finally put baby in the corner when Patrick Swayze passed away this month. In memory the late great Swayzemeister I watched Roadhouse, the film that qualified him to be called a certifiable ‘badass’. But you know who the real badass of that movie? Sam “Greatest Mustache of All-Time” Elliott. There is no other voice more iconic than that of Sam Elliott nor one that shares the same ability of being able bring all attention to it. You could be running down the street screaming in agony, your body engulfed in flame, and the INSTANT Sam Elliott would open his mouth and begin to speak you would go silent, stop dead in tracks, sit down, and stare intently listening to his every word. The man eminates an aura of respectability and wisdom that is unmatched.

On the topic of badassery, here’s a crazy co-winky-dink! I’m currently watching John Wayne’s “True Grit” , which the Coen Brothers are supposedly going to remake, which they want Jeff Bridges to play Rooster Cogburn in, making this is second film with the Coen Brothers since Big Lebowski… that also featued Sam Elliott! WHOOOOOAAAAAAA!!!! Neat.

To wrap this up quick I have update on the beard situation. As of right now, the polls are still open to vote on what furry facial express I should rock for the time being. Infact, they will be open till December 1st as I will be exterminating any facial hair on November 1st in support of NoSHAVEmber. Yes, yes, it will be heart breaking but it will all be for a good cause and will leave many options to work with once the month has come to its end.

So leave some comments and keep reading as I will be posting more gibberish in the future,

Your Brother In Arms

-The B

Religion, Necrofantasy, and Beardology

Welcome one and all to the first OFFICIAL B Blog here on WordPress! Fresh off my return from the timewarp that sucked me into an alternate dimesion, which would explain my abscence of bloggage I promised. With that all done and out of the way, lets get this show on the road!

First off, let’s kick up some controversy and talk about religion ya’ll!

Recently, while trying to find some decent horror films to watch, I came across a little documentary called “Jesus Camp” that seemed to be mentioned on every ‘Scariest Films’ list I glanced at on teh interwebs.  The movie is a documentary on a Pentacostal summer camp at Devil’s Lake (cue the ‘irony lol’) North Dakota called the “Kids on Fire School of Ministry”. Now, on first reading, that sounds more like a place for satanism or a cult gathering, well that last part wouldn’t be too far off. This movie scared the crap out of me and left me feeling nausiated and sad for society. Throughout this film, the leader of the camp (Becky Fischer) makes a constant note to say how Muslims are giving their children weapons and sending them out to kill believers of “her” God and that she thinks this is terrible. She also spends alot of the time talking about how to hook kids while they’re young and that she is training the children at her camp to be “soldiers of God” and to fight in his name. I think what got me the most was having to watch these little kids get screamed and be told that they are liars and bad people for not fronting their religion at school and in public. I can go on and on about how pissed of that makes me, but instead I will list some ‘favourite moments’ of this movie and let draw your own conclusions.

• calling Harry Potter the Devil and his fans the same
• people praying to a cardboard cutout of George W. Bush
• children sobbing and speaking in tongues
• a kid’s essay on how he was glad that “Galileo eventually decided to embrace religion instead of science”
• an 8 year old dancer who says “sometimes, I know I’m just dancing for the flesh and I have make myself stop”

Now, after getting my fill of the people that were a little too hopped up on Jesus, I decided to get a bit of opposition by watching “Religulous”.

I’d like to start by saying that I have never been a Bill Mahr fan. Personally, I’ve always seen him as a know-it-all asshole that speaks a little too freel and this movie just enforced that to me. Mahr spends the entire film mocking all religions big and small, and not even in a clever way. Seeing him take down televangilist was the only enjoyable part of this movie because he was putting people that deserve it in their place. The rest of the time though, he’s just walking up to folks with a little faith in something and telling them “your beliefs are stupid and so are you for following them”. This is not a documentary, this is just a guy being a dick. For man who claims to not believe in worship, he sure bows down often enough to the all mighty dollar.  I’m sure the profits from his shows and merchandise could go somewhere better than his wallet, considering how much he chastizes so many other groups for not giving more than they have.

So, like all stories, this one has a conclusion and boy is it EVER a ringer. The film ends with Mahr saying how the world will end unless people put away the childishness or religion, all the while clips of destruction and apocolyptic imagery flash across the scene. Not only is it trying to hard, it’s in poor taste…. so yeah it’s exactly what to expect from Bill Mahr.

While we’re on the topic of movies and dead dudes coming back to life, I’d like to give some quick reviews of all the “sex driven” horror movies I had a marathon of last month. Let’s start with the one that put things in gear, Lesbian Vampire Killers. This movie was amazing, really it was great. A British comedy about two best friends and some gorgeous collgege girls fighting off a horde of lesbian vampires in the woods, it really hits all the key areas. Funny, looks good, and perfect for repeated viewing.

Next up I watched the horrible B film Frankenhooker. When a self proclaimed ‘bio-electrician’ accidentally grinds up everything but his girlfriend’s head with a remote controlled lawnmower, he sets out to rebuild her body with some used parts. Where do you get lady parts you ask? Why, the red light district of course. Gathering all the girls in a room and feeding them ‘supercrack’ that causes them to explode, he just picks out the best of everything. The final result as an unstoppable hooker that kills everything she touches basically, which happens to be all the triks she comes in contact with. Terrible movie, with terrible effects….watch it.

Lastly, I tackled the one that has been on my list for awhile: Zombie Strippers. This movie raises the moral question of whether dead girls can still be hot, sexy, and do able. According to the patrons of the club, yes, yes they are… hell they even go as far as saying sexier. A recruitment video for the National Necrophilia of america maybe, but it is pretty entertaining. Robert Englund( Freddy Krueger for the normies) pulls off some amazing acting and the special effect work looks pretty decent for such a small budget. Add in the horrifying scene of a zombie spreading her legs and sitting on Englunds face and then having to see the aftermath later is enough to keep my squirming for days. Strangely though, this vaginaful scene follows after another that features Jenna Jameson firing billiard balls out of her Land Down Under with enough force to take part of a dudes head off. Thank you Jenna, thank you for completely ruining my deepest fantasy.

Hey! Did somebody say segway?!?!

Recently, our little club called ‘The Zone here in KL hosted a ladies jello wrestling night. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to attend, but from what I was told, I’m glad I didn’t make it there that night. Apparently, during the course of jello rumble, there was some blood spilt into the pool from on of the gals. Did they stop the match though? Hell no, they wouldn’t let a little dab of the crimson spoil everyones fun! Yeah, see, here’s the thing… neither of the lady rumblers and a single cut on them.

I’ll give you second to process that…

Good, now that you’ve been sent into a horror coma, I’ll continue. Inregards to what was mentioned earlier, I guess the theme of all this is: when is enough enough? I mean not only did that not scare anyone away from the event, but they just poured more jello in to cover it up. As men, are we really that desperate to see some ‘action’ that will resort to tricking ourselves into thinking a girl is still hot, even if her breast is rotting off her ribs, or that to ladies going at it is still sexy even if they’re wading through someones monthly?

You Decide Nation!

That’s right folks it’s time for the poll area of this juggernaut of a blog where you get to have a word. You heard it right people, it’s time for you give me your opinion on the topic of… beards! You can say what you want about that other thing, but THIS is the pressing issue here folks lets get to it!

Like a furry friend that lives on our face, beards have been providing comfort, style, and protection to people for centuries. Being as they are the most craftable of facial features, they come im many shapes and sizes. Myself, I have been sporting what is refered to as the ‘Lincoln’ for the last 5 years, but as time rolls on I find that I’m becoming bored with an Honest Abe approach to beardery.  So, after extensice research and soul searching I have decided to change this and go with a ‘Lebowski’. Rocked by the Dude himself, this beard says “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man”.

My second choice was the MacReady, worn by Kurt Russel in The Thing. Rugged, wild, and free, this beard screams “I just wanna get up to my shack and get drunk”.

So now here’s the question: Which do YOU prefer?

My face should showcase:

1. The Lebowski
2. The MacReady or
3. Keep the Lincoln

So leave some comments with your pick and we’ll post the results next blog entry.

Till then, keep your wits about you and for the love of God stay the hell out of the jello pool.

Your Brother In Arms,

-The B

More Fun Than Watching Static!

Welcome one and all to the return of an online scourge long thought dead by the general public. Yes, it has been a long time my friends, but your eyes do not deceive you for the musings of my risen from ashes like the almighty Firebird, only the mustachioed man behind its helm isn’t Burt Reynolds and its co-pilot doesn’t get their mic cut at award shows.
Starting next week our journey begins here at our new home on wordpress.com. So come along with me and my Tim Hortons double-double riding shotgun as we pick apart pop culture, society, and the mysteries of universe in the virtual bandit1 that is the B Blog.

See you then,

Your Brother In Arms
-The B